Pinch Me, Please

Absolute disbelief!

I can't believe my pregnancy is half over. Where did the time go? I know, I know... this babe isn't even born yet and I'm in despair over the time gone already. (Know this though - you are reading a blog by a woman who cried at her first born's 20 week ultrasound because he had gotten so big since the 12 weeks ultrasound, that I cried, "he's grown so much already!") This pregnancy has been different from my first only because I'm so busy chasing a toddler around that I just don't have time to think about being pregnant. I feel like I reflected on my pregnancy and spent more time enjoying my growing belly the first time around. That makes me a little sad. Is this little one going to get short-changed in all things? Is that just the way it is for the second-born? Or am I worrying unnecessarily?

In other shocking news, we found out today that we're having... A GIRL! Wait, what?!! Yes, that was my reaction at the ultrasound. We were so convinced we were having another boy. We asked the technician to check two more times because we didn't believe it. When we left the appointment, Dr. Spacetime, wide-eyed and still in shock, turned to me and said, "Holy crap, we better start saving!" Haha.

It's going to be an interesting ride - 20 weeks until we shift gears!

Happy Birthday, Fussypants!

Whoa! If Doodlebug's temperament at his recent birthday party is a sign of what's in store for his toddler twos, then we are in serious trouble!

We celebrated his second birthday last weekend with a cupcake on his actual birthday, weekend visits from his Nonni and Grammie and a small party at the Little Gym for his pint size friends. Granted that's a lot of activity for a little boy who rarely sees family and attends maybe two parties a year, but he was in serious fussy-over-stimulated mode.

Doodlebug spent most of the hour-long gym party in the side room drinking juice and eating the frosting off the top of multiple cupcakes. He ventured out onto the gym long enough to grab all the mats out from under our little guests and yell "mine!" as he squirreled them away.

Once the gym activities were over and our guests were in the side-room eating cupcakes, Doodlebug played on the gym mats with his Nonni. As our guests were departing and the next party was waiting for the gym, he didn't want to leave. Of course!

We were a little embarrassed in front of our friends that our little guy didn't want to play with the other kids and that he screamed when we tried to get him to join the activities in the gym. Crowds have always overstimulated him. We know this, but I guess I was hoping a small gathering for his birthday would be different. It's not fair to expect him to take on different traits when the situation suits me. So going into Doodlebug's third year, as his personality is showing more and more of itself, his 2nd birthday party reminded me to let my sensitive little guy be who he is and cherish all his little quirks and sweet little boy feelings.

Wordless Wednesday - Morning Fog

Positively Yes!

In shock. Excited. Happy. Nervous.

Here we go again! I found out a few weeks ago that I'm pregnant again. After being 8 days late and taking 3 negative pregnancy tests, we got a positive sign.

I'm glowing that mama pregnancy glow already.

So, here we go again... Our circus family is growing. I hope you will join me for the ride!

From One Mama to Another

Please don't be insulted if I don't sit next to you and your toddler at the cafe. It's just... Well, you see, this is my night out. This is my night to have a couple of hours alone to sit in a cafe and sip a glass of iced tea without my Doodlebug pulling at my pants legs, crawling into my lap or screaming for my attention. This is my night to think of things other than diapers and boogies; and to hear a song other than the Wheels on the Bus.

Your child is adorable. Yes, she is. But her screaming is reminding me that my child is at home right now and probably screaming, too (i.e. torturing my husband for having the audacity to think that a 21 month old should be asleep before 10 pm). And her standing next to me and pointing at my computer is reminding me that my computer is rarely mine anymore, but has become a (very) expensive toddler toy.

So please, please don't be insulted. The last thing I'd want to do is make another mama feel bad, but I really just need to enjoy having a personal space bubble for the next hour or so.

From one mama to another... I won't judge you, if you don't judge me. Deal?

Wordless Wednesday - Beach Boy

Protecting My Son from Traditional Gender Roles

On a recent Sunday afternoon, while shopping at Target, I witnessed an interaction between a mom and son that terrified me.

The mom was leaning over her shopping cart, talking to her toddler who was sitting in the child seat. I saw them out of the corner of my eye and thought their quiet talking was sweet. Then I heard the child cry and the sweetness was over. The Mom said, "I can't. Stop crying! I can't buy you Dora diapers." The child kept crying and reaching for the package of diapers. "You are a boy!" the mother yelled, "what would people think if I got you Dora diapers?" She picked up a package and gave it to the child and said, "Here, you can have these. Diego. These are for boys". The boy shook his head and continued to cry.

I felt so bad for the little boy. He was being told he could not like something that he liked and had to idea why his mom was forbidding it. At a mere two years old, he was being told what to like and subjected to what his mother thought society deemed appropriate.

But really my heart was (selfishly) breaking for my own little man.

My little Doodlebug - who observes before he plays, who cries when another child cries, who pushes Mama's and Dada's heads together so that we kiss and then giggles - will one day be in a classroom with boys who were raised not to want Dora diapers. Will he be the sensitive boy who is picked on constantly? Will he be the kid picked last for teams, the boy .... Am I doing him an injustice by letting him wear Dora diapers if he wants to, or by letting him play with dolls?? I know I can't protect him forever, but I refuse to alter my parenting style and harden him because of how other people choose to raise their boys. I hope Doodlebug continues to be sensitive to other children and to giggle when Mama and Dada kiss. I hope that he knows he can choose Dora or Diego and either one is okay. And I hope one day many, many years from now, he happily gets the Dora diapers for his own little boy.

Wordless Wednesday - Walk in the Woods

The Decision - and Dare I say Choice - to Work

I recently read the comments on an online forum where the typical, cliched SAHMs vs Working Moms debate battle took place (seriously, when are we going to stop the Mommy Wars?) I couldn't believe how many moms (on both sides of argument) said that it's not fair to judge working moms who, "don't have a choice". Huh?!!

So it IS okay to judge Moms who choose?

Apparently, Moms should stay home with their children, unless they have to work for financial reasons. To these folks, being a working mom and putting your baby or child in day care is only acceptable if your family cannot make ends meet without the mother working. 

Well. I have a choice and I CHOOSE to work. And that does not make me a bad, neglectful mom. There are many reasons why this was the right decision for my family, even if we could have gotten by without my salary.

"How do you KNOW it's the right decision?" a friend, who had a baby two weeks after me, had asked as our maternity leave was winding down. It's not easy to know what is the right decision for your family. I gave it a lot of thought, it's not a decision to take lightly.  Here are some of the reasons that shaped my decision, perhaps they may help you too.

Two Incomes

Yes, I'm not ashamed to admit that one of the major reasons I went back to work was for the extra income and luxuries my job afforded our family. We could have gotten by if I stayed home. We could have scaled back on date nights, not taken those yoga or tai chi classes, stuck to a strict food budget and refrained from taking plane trips to visit family. And we wanted to afford trips to visit our families. We wanted to each have a night out for yoga or tai chi class.

Also, money would have been very tight if I didn't work. As someone who started her first full-time job in her career two days after graduating from college and working non-stop for ten years, not getting a regular paycheck makes me nervous. There were years that I lived paycheck to paycheck and years where I went into debt and had to work to pull myself out of it. Paychecks were my security then and even still, not earning one now would make me very nervous.


Fulfillment for Mom

When I was home on maternity leave I remember thinking back on a conversation I had had with my cousin a few years earlier. I had asked her if she was sad about returning to work after her maternity leave ended. And she said, "No, not at all. I can't wait to get back to work!" I thought that was such an odd response. Well, years later in the same situation, I totally got it! (Judge not!)

I couldn't wait to go back to work and take a deep breath without having to listen for a crying baby. I didn't have to time my bathroom breaks to my baby's nap schedule, or answer emails with a nursing babe on my boob. But the best part was that I had something to think about that was entirely mine. Doodlebug and I had mushed into one being for months and I was able to see some of myself again when I returned to work. I was proud of doing good work. That pride helped make me a happier person.


Socializing for Baby (and Mommy)

Not wanting to put your baby in day care might be reason number one for many parents who stay home with their babies, but for me it was one of the main reasons to go back to work. We live 10 hours from Dr Dad's parents and 18 hours from mine. So needless-to-say, we knew we would not have regular company or help when we had kids. There's little opportunity for afternoons visits with Doodlebug's grandparents or date night babysitting. Being new to our city, we didn't have many friends here or know any other folks with children. So we wanted Doodlebug to be exposed to other adults and experience social activities with kids his age.

The benefit of day care to moms should not be underestimated either. I was completely overwhelmed with Doodlebug was an infant. I didn't know if he was nursing enough or sleeping enough or developing on target. Of course our pediatrician was fantastic with this concerns, but the teachers at day care were my partners too. It really helped me to hear that Doodlebug's separation anxiety was healthy, that he was eating normally and that he enjoyed giggling with his friends. I learned so much from them too - how to encourage self-soothing without crying-it-out, how to create healthy, appropriate meals and how to encourage self-help skills.

Wordless Wednesday - Quiet Time

Taking Time for Me, A Farewell to Missing Out

It's twilight - the magic hour, the time of day when even the litter on the side of the road sparkles. I'm sitting in a cafe sipping an iced coffee.  Next to me two women are debating the injustices of divorce over tea. Across the room a group of older folks excitedly make plans over stacks of maps and travel guides. The woman to my left winks and asks her date if he has ice cream at home.

I don't belong here.  

Tonight Dr. Spacetime had to push me out the door. I used to love sitting in cafes, directionless and enjoying the hours fading away with no expectations other than witnessing everything around me. I miss those moments of just being. Now I feel like I shouldn't be here. This is not my life. I should be home washing Doodlebug's hair. Instead, I'm out, yet still observing the world from inside my parenthood bubble. I'm spying on people. I realize that for the past year and a half while I was home rocking my baby to sleep behind blackout curtains, girlfriends gossiped over evening drinks, vacations were planned, dates flirted and nervously took the next step.

I know one day Dr. Spacetime, Doodlebug and I will watch the sun set from a sidewalk cafe, our cheeks glowing in the fading light. I know one day we will go on family vacations to far flung locations. And we'll go out for a late night treat or a midnight walk. But right now, the truth is that I look at people around me, in different stages of their lives - without children or with more independent children - and I'm JEALOUS. I'm jealous that they don't have a little one calling them home every night demanding food, playtime and bedtime stories.

Isn't that horrible?

I keep reminding myself to slow down, take a step back, savor the moments I have right now before they are gone. It's okay to miss a bit of my old, pre-mommyhood life. But how much longer will Doodlebug let me stroke his hair while he falls asleep or whisper "You are my Sunshine" in his ear? How long until he no longer wants to sit in my lap while we read books or let me tickle his belly. These are the moments I would (and will) miss the most. Lucky me, that they are still mine to enjoy.

Not At All About... Losing the Baby Weight (continued)

So, I've been dreading continuing this post. I have to be honest... I'm no further along on my road to losing my baby weight now than I was at Doodlebug's first birthday. I'm so embarrassed to admit that. Even a few weeks ago when I started writing this about this, I was hoping to have a revelation - a major A-HA moment about my weight. The renew dedication to my weight loss has just not happened yet. Well, I haven't made it happen yet. I'll know I need to take responsibility for that.

This is my life right now.

Okay, that's what I keep telling myself... and maybe it's time to stop it.

When am I going to find the balance between being an attentive mom, a loving wife, a thoughtful friend, a creative writer, an amateur photographer, a crafty mind, an adventurous spirit, a productive employee, and a fit, strong woman?

Have I just wished for the impossible? I'd like to think that some version of that is possible for me. Of course, there are always going to compromises. But why is the last one always the one that gets compromised out?

A fit, strong woman.

Is it because it's a version of me that is solely for me? I know that when I'm happy and feeling fulfilled, my family is happier and functions better. But when Doodlebug is in the middle of fierce sleep regression, Dr. Spacetime is working late on a big project at work and my mind is focused on an ailing relative; getting a decent dinner on the table or sleeping an extra 30 minutes seems like the best thing for my family at that very moment.

How do I break that immediate-solution-is-the-only-solution rut? Because I could probably do without those 30 extra minutes of sleep, but I can't see that clearly in the morning. And with better planning ahead, I could also probably get a balance meal together for dinner, without having to cook for half an hour immediate upon getting home from work with Doodlebug screaming for food at my feet.

Yes, that must be possible. Other working families must have this worked out somehow. How do they do it? Hello mamas out there! Do you just not sleep? Do you just say 'to-hell-with it, I'll have a hobby again when my kids go off to college'?

I think if I could catch my breath for a couple of days I could see through the mommy cloud that has become my brain recently... Maybe then I develop a better plan to this parenting thing, other than flying by the seat of my pants.

Wordless Wednesday - Welcome Summer

Wordless Wednesday - Child's Play

Losing the Baby Weight, or Not

Doodlebug's first birthday was an amazing milestone for our family - amazing because we (almost) couldn't believe we had made it. But we had! We marked a year of being parents - a year of keeping our Doodlebug fed, clothed, mostly clean and most definitely happy. He was such a happy, giggly, cozy and sweet little man (7 months later, he still is all those things, but the toddler tantrums have watered down through pleasantries a bit). We also celebrated us as parents, the change in our relationship that came with parenting and that we were able to go with the flow and make our relationship even stronger and laugh through those rough, sleepless nights together. Even if that laughter came a few nights after the sleeplessness.

First birthdays are really a celebration of the parents. I mean, Doodlebug won't remember the cupcakes or mac n cheese bites, but Babu and I will remember how proud we were to mark one year of Doodlebug's life and look forward to another year as a family.

But I have a secret...

Part of me was not celebrating, but dreading Doodlebug's birthday. Nope, not because my baby was growing up. Not because the year had gone by too quickly (although it had) and not because I hadn't started one page of his baby book (which is still not started). I dreaded the day because it would mark and entire year of having not lost one pound of baby weight post-pregnancy. Yes, of course I lost the weight that was Doodlebug and the normal 12 or so lbs that goes with baby. After the first 8 weeks, I stopped losing and that is where my scale has stayed.

I told myself it would be easier to lose weight when I went back to work. Then I told myself it would be easier to make time for myself when I was no longer nursing. Then I thought maybe I would have lost weight if I had been able to keep nursing.

Excuses, excuses... I can't even say I was getting good at making excuses because none of them were very good or believable. But I had myself deceived for a long time and it seemed like that cloudy deception was not going to lift any time soon...

Stay tuned - part 2 of my continual mommy-weight battle will continue next week

Wordless Wednesday

A New Day

My first - and only post - on this blog was nearly a year and a half ago, back when my Doodlebug was barely 8 weeks old. Goodness, time can give you whiplash.

I've been (re)inspired to create this blog. It seems like my little boy became a big boy overnight. My cuddly mama's boy has become an adventurous little man - climbing on tables instead of cooing in my arms. How did that happen? I need time to slow down just a little bit. Okay, I know that's not possible, but maybe taking the time for reflection will make the moments linger a little bit longer.

While there is little spare time in the day for a working any mom, it's important to me that I have a creative place. Writing has always been that place for me. So I'm going to give it a permanent home here, where I find a cozy place to celebrate the happy days and comfort myself on the rough ones. And hopefully I will meet some like-minded folks in my travels.

Thanks for stopping by... Welcome.