Wordless Wednesday - Walk in the Woods

The Decision - and Dare I say Choice - to Work

I recently read the comments on an online forum where the typical, cliched SAHMs vs Working Moms debate battle took place (seriously, when are we going to stop the Mommy Wars?) I couldn't believe how many moms (on both sides of argument) said that it's not fair to judge working moms who, "don't have a choice". Huh?!!

So it IS okay to judge Moms who choose?

Apparently, Moms should stay home with their children, unless they have to work for financial reasons. To these folks, being a working mom and putting your baby or child in day care is only acceptable if your family cannot make ends meet without the mother working. 

Well. I have a choice and I CHOOSE to work. And that does not make me a bad, neglectful mom. There are many reasons why this was the right decision for my family, even if we could have gotten by without my salary.

"How do you KNOW it's the right decision?" a friend, who had a baby two weeks after me, had asked as our maternity leave was winding down. It's not easy to know what is the right decision for your family. I gave it a lot of thought, it's not a decision to take lightly.  Here are some of the reasons that shaped my decision, perhaps they may help you too.

Two Incomes

Yes, I'm not ashamed to admit that one of the major reasons I went back to work was for the extra income and luxuries my job afforded our family. We could have gotten by if I stayed home. We could have scaled back on date nights, not taken those yoga or tai chi classes, stuck to a strict food budget and refrained from taking plane trips to visit family. And we wanted to afford trips to visit our families. We wanted to each have a night out for yoga or tai chi class.

Also, money would have been very tight if I didn't work. As someone who started her first full-time job in her career two days after graduating from college and working non-stop for ten years, not getting a regular paycheck makes me nervous. There were years that I lived paycheck to paycheck and years where I went into debt and had to work to pull myself out of it. Paychecks were my security then and even still, not earning one now would make me very nervous.


Fulfillment for Mom

When I was home on maternity leave I remember thinking back on a conversation I had had with my cousin a few years earlier. I had asked her if she was sad about returning to work after her maternity leave ended. And she said, "No, not at all. I can't wait to get back to work!" I thought that was such an odd response. Well, years later in the same situation, I totally got it! (Judge not!)

I couldn't wait to go back to work and take a deep breath without having to listen for a crying baby. I didn't have to time my bathroom breaks to my baby's nap schedule, or answer emails with a nursing babe on my boob. But the best part was that I had something to think about that was entirely mine. Doodlebug and I had mushed into one being for months and I was able to see some of myself again when I returned to work. I was proud of doing good work. That pride helped make me a happier person.


Socializing for Baby (and Mommy)

Not wanting to put your baby in day care might be reason number one for many parents who stay home with their babies, but for me it was one of the main reasons to go back to work. We live 10 hours from Dr Dad's parents and 18 hours from mine. So needless-to-say, we knew we would not have regular company or help when we had kids. There's little opportunity for afternoons visits with Doodlebug's grandparents or date night babysitting. Being new to our city, we didn't have many friends here or know any other folks with children. So we wanted Doodlebug to be exposed to other adults and experience social activities with kids his age.

The benefit of day care to moms should not be underestimated either. I was completely overwhelmed with Doodlebug was an infant. I didn't know if he was nursing enough or sleeping enough or developing on target. Of course our pediatrician was fantastic with this concerns, but the teachers at day care were my partners too. It really helped me to hear that Doodlebug's separation anxiety was healthy, that he was eating normally and that he enjoyed giggling with his friends. I learned so much from them too - how to encourage self-soothing without crying-it-out, how to create healthy, appropriate meals and how to encourage self-help skills.

Wordless Wednesday - Quiet Time

Taking Time for Me, A Farewell to Missing Out

It's twilight - the magic hour, the time of day when even the litter on the side of the road sparkles. I'm sitting in a cafe sipping an iced coffee.  Next to me two women are debating the injustices of divorce over tea. Across the room a group of older folks excitedly make plans over stacks of maps and travel guides. The woman to my left winks and asks her date if he has ice cream at home.

I don't belong here.  

Tonight Dr. Spacetime had to push me out the door. I used to love sitting in cafes, directionless and enjoying the hours fading away with no expectations other than witnessing everything around me. I miss those moments of just being. Now I feel like I shouldn't be here. This is not my life. I should be home washing Doodlebug's hair. Instead, I'm out, yet still observing the world from inside my parenthood bubble. I'm spying on people. I realize that for the past year and a half while I was home rocking my baby to sleep behind blackout curtains, girlfriends gossiped over evening drinks, vacations were planned, dates flirted and nervously took the next step.

I know one day Dr. Spacetime, Doodlebug and I will watch the sun set from a sidewalk cafe, our cheeks glowing in the fading light. I know one day we will go on family vacations to far flung locations. And we'll go out for a late night treat or a midnight walk. But right now, the truth is that I look at people around me, in different stages of their lives - without children or with more independent children - and I'm JEALOUS. I'm jealous that they don't have a little one calling them home every night demanding food, playtime and bedtime stories.

Isn't that horrible?

I keep reminding myself to slow down, take a step back, savor the moments I have right now before they are gone. It's okay to miss a bit of my old, pre-mommyhood life. But how much longer will Doodlebug let me stroke his hair while he falls asleep or whisper "You are my Sunshine" in his ear? How long until he no longer wants to sit in my lap while we read books or let me tickle his belly. These are the moments I would (and will) miss the most. Lucky me, that they are still mine to enjoy.

Not At All About... Losing the Baby Weight (continued)

So, I've been dreading continuing this post. I have to be honest... I'm no further along on my road to losing my baby weight now than I was at Doodlebug's first birthday. I'm so embarrassed to admit that. Even a few weeks ago when I started writing this about this, I was hoping to have a revelation - a major A-HA moment about my weight. The renew dedication to my weight loss has just not happened yet. Well, I haven't made it happen yet. I'll know I need to take responsibility for that.

This is my life right now.

Okay, that's what I keep telling myself... and maybe it's time to stop it.

When am I going to find the balance between being an attentive mom, a loving wife, a thoughtful friend, a creative writer, an amateur photographer, a crafty mind, an adventurous spirit, a productive employee, and a fit, strong woman?

Have I just wished for the impossible? I'd like to think that some version of that is possible for me. Of course, there are always going to compromises. But why is the last one always the one that gets compromised out?

A fit, strong woman.

Is it because it's a version of me that is solely for me? I know that when I'm happy and feeling fulfilled, my family is happier and functions better. But when Doodlebug is in the middle of fierce sleep regression, Dr. Spacetime is working late on a big project at work and my mind is focused on an ailing relative; getting a decent dinner on the table or sleeping an extra 30 minutes seems like the best thing for my family at that very moment.

How do I break that immediate-solution-is-the-only-solution rut? Because I could probably do without those 30 extra minutes of sleep, but I can't see that clearly in the morning. And with better planning ahead, I could also probably get a balance meal together for dinner, without having to cook for half an hour immediate upon getting home from work with Doodlebug screaming for food at my feet.

Yes, that must be possible. Other working families must have this worked out somehow. How do they do it? Hello mamas out there! Do you just not sleep? Do you just say 'to-hell-with it, I'll have a hobby again when my kids go off to college'?

I think if I could catch my breath for a couple of days I could see through the mommy cloud that has become my brain recently... Maybe then I develop a better plan to this parenting thing, other than flying by the seat of my pants.